10th June 2016
Meeting the energy of Cancer
I have always been a reflector, as long as I can remember. One vivid memory of mine was my Grandad calling me the Philosopher of the family when I was about 9 years old.
Looking back over my Cancer journey has kept me busy and entertained with the infinite lessons learnt so far over the last 9 months. It’s all a beautiful, crazy blur. So current, but simultaneously many millions of miles away also.
Today I have my 6month MRI head scan I’m a little fearful this time….as now I have something to lose. When first diagnosed, it sounded the worse it could get….so I was able to throw all my chips on the table with gay abandonment as there seemed no other choice and very little to lose from trying and failing. Now a U turn could throw me, whereas before I was able to keep my crazy mind-chatter at bay. I focused my mind by intensely raising my energy.
So now I’m thinking about my energy levels and how it no longer takes that intense focus. As soon as I was diagnosed I knew that using my sexual energy for healing was the way forward, so for 8 months I’ve been intensely high as a kite on my own life force. Singing, dancing, sexing, laughing, laying naked in the sun, seeing all my beautiful friends, Tantric practise, chanting, Cacao – doing everything to keep my energy high and moving. I had no real theory about why I was doing it, I just knew inside that’s what I had to do. Keep my cells happy – that was my intent. No suffering. In the hospital, I made a promise to myself: If I live or die, I would not suffer.
Then this morning some words rang in my ears from a Fire walk I had taken part in 6 weeks ago. ‘The fire only burns you as it operates at a higher energy, so you need to raise your vibration to meet it’. This made complete sense to me. As soon as the facilitators stated talking about the potential for crossing over the fire I had absolutely no fear. By this point I’d already been self healing for 6 months and energy raising, so I felt ready instantly to face the fire. As I stood there I could feel the energy of the fire stroking up around me soothing me, and still no fear, just a huge sense of certainty. In amongst all the uncertainty I had experienced since my diagnosis, at that point in time, I had never felt more certain of anything; that fire was not going to burn me. And I took my first step with absolute presence and intention.
So, the energy of Cancer. Cancer has a HUGE energy, across societies consciousness. It’s the ‘Big C’, as if there’s nothing bigger. So, I have had the task of furiously raising my energy every single day to get above and beyond the level of energy that Cancer in society brings back to me from the outside world.
To begin with I cut off all the potential Cancer Energy supplies to me. No TV (not that I’d had a TV in years, but I certainly didn’t watch it for my 5 weeks in a hospital bed with the black screen facing me), no reading or researching, I didn’t tell anyone for ages and when I did I was very careful who I chose, I wouldn’t go to the hospice when invited, I wouldn’t read the articles people sent me, I wasn’t interested in talking to other cancer patients, I sent my depressing district nurses home, I wouldn’t tick the terminally ill box on the forms, I corrected people I spoke to who expressed how ‘hard’ or ‘difficult’ or ‘tough’ it must be: ‘no, no I’m gliding’ I would say to the baffled faces, and I would not feed the Cancer Energy by using words like fight, battle or beat it, kick it etc. Cutting off the Cancer Energy leaks from the outside world, and working on stoking the fire of my inner-world, that was my work. Building myself up ready in my protective cocoon, to make myself strong enough to face the world of non-believers with their concerned well-meaning smiles fuelled by Cancer Energy ideas of death and suffering. And I felt it. I saw the bigness of Cancer Energy in faces, I heard it on radio adverts & TV and was privy to it in discussion. Even though I was incredibly open about my Cancer and it had become normal to me, people would still pause mid-sentence before using the word Cancer….and often exchange that word in favour of ‘health stuff’ or ‘the time you’ve had’. ‘How are you since the……time you’ve had?’ People didn’t want to utter the word. But my body just felt like an indestructible power house and I did feel my inner-energy rising & burning like a huge fire which had been fed so intently for so long it just quietly burned away under the surface. It was so concentrate in the tiny physical space which my body took up, the walls of my skin could barely contain it. Popping, seeping, fizzing, oozing out. When I’m in a ‘Cancer energy’ situation, faced with the negatives of cancer, when something external comes in to tell me I should be suffering, I automatically now feel my chest open, my breasts expand, my shoulders arches back, my chin lift, my back spreads wide & my heart buzzes. My heart centre and loving energy grows bigger than Cancer. And puts Cancers Energy back against the wall.
I used to work hard at this, setting aside time and space to practise raising my energy. Creating intentions and rituals and being mindful that of every single element of my day could be a healing practise. Using consciousness every moment: Cooking my food with love in my heart, Thanking the universe for the gifts learnt from my daily challenges, Chanting to my medication. To begin with I need to do it in almost militant fashion, to intensely rewire my brain. I had to ritualise my energy building actions and make them ‘bigger’ to become so hugely conscious of my actions and setting intentions to program my mind and body to adjust to the energy levels I wanted to reach. After a few months, I became so naturally conscious at intentions and mindfulness with my energy raising that I could do it without any effort. It would occur naturally. With ease & grace. It’s like the fizzing inside now just builds and builds upon itself, a sustainable creation with its own life force. It hardly takes anything for me to keep it going now. Some breath, some movement and I’m off. Bursting out of my skin, my finger tips, my breasts, my belly, my yoni, my hair follicles.
Now I’m just a walking power ball of creative energy. Spilling out and leaving a wake of love.
And I would meet that energy within myself and take that to the hospital each time.